My Version of Bush's Victory Speech

Here's the way I'd write Bush's victory speech (as you'll be able to tell, I'm much less diplomatic than the President):

My fellow Americans;

I'm grateful for your confidence and am looking forward to four more years as your President. With that out of the way, here's what I really think. Being elected to a second term is a little like never having to say you're sorry. Frankly, for those of you in the mainstream media who have spun every single story as a negative for my administration, I could give a flying rat's behind about anything you have to say for the next four years. I hope you had a good time flying on Air Force One for the last four years, because from now on you're walking.

I'm also not going to be doing anymore of your stupid press conferences. All you people do is try and impress each other by getting on TV and asking convoluted questions in an effort to trip me up. Based on the 3 million vote margin I won last night, neither I nor the American people really care how smart you think you are. You can't touch me.

To Terry McAuliffe of the DNC, Terry, you've been the best friend the Republicans could have ever had. You've led the Democrats to defeat after defeat, making electoral history each time. I know you'll be heading into a new line of work, so I just wanted to offer a little advice - practice saying "would you like fries with that?".

To the other leaders of the Democratic party who have accused me of every type of evil and wrongdoing, enjoy the rest of your lifetime as a minority party. You people are pathetically out of touch with America and deserve to be marginalized. By the way, don't pin too many hopes on Hillary. America is not ready for that woman to be President.

To all the Hollywood types and rock stars who traveled the country pleading for my ouster: How does it feel to know that your efforts were in vain and you didn't make one darn difference in the outcome? Shut up and sing.

Finally, to France, Germany, the UN and EU, please form a line on Pennsylvania Ave. and when I have some time, you can bend over and kiss by butt.

Thank you, and have a nice day.