Coto de Crazy

For those of you who live outside of Southern California, Coto de Caza is an affluent gated community in south-east Orange County - about 8 or 10 miles from where I live. Now before I go on any further, let me just say that I know some folks to live in Coto, and they don't appear to be completely crazy (well, maybe just a little bit), but if the majority of the people in that community are like the women on a new Bravo reality series, that area is in deep trouble. The series is called "The Real Housewives of Orange County", which of course is as representative of Orange County as Beverly Hills is of Los Angeles County.

The show follows the lives and families of 5 women who are some of the most disfunctional people I've ever seen. If there was ever a show that proved that money isn't everything, this is the one. I've now seen two episodes, and what a mess. I normally wouldn't watch a train wreck like this, but these people live near me and every now and then I run into people like this. That alone makes it entertaining.

Without naming names, let me give you my descriptions and impressions of the five main characters.

#1 - An extremely immature 24 year old party girl who is living with her 36 year old millionaire fiance' who has part-time custody of his two kids. The husband wants a little homemaker wife who will stay home and take care of the house and kids and be there waiting for him when he returns. She, on the other hand, is bored stiff and can't wait for the evening so she can go out clubbing with her girlfriends until all hours of the morning. Near as I can tell there are only two things keeping him interested in the party girl, and you can figure out what those are. If he marries her, it will last about 3 months.

#2 - A 40+ housewife, who at the suggestion of her shallow (and rich) husband, decided to get breast implants which by her own admission, took her from a 32A to a 32D. She now has to lean back to keep from toppling over. Her life is spent trying to figure out ways to keep her husband interested in her as she ages, and she's desperately afraid of getting older and unattractive. Given the general shallowness of her husband, she probably has something to worry about.

#3 - This one is a former Playboy Playmate who has now exchanged the joys of sex for the joys of food. She's married to a former major league baseball player, who himself was the son of a major leaguer. They have three kids, and the oldest has been groomed for 18 years to play baseball. Unfortunately, he's either totally unmotivated or dumb as a post, and couldn't even pull good enough grades to be allowed to play during his senior year in high school. At last report, he was drafted in the 36th round, but there's no guarantee he'll ever earn a dime from the sport. The mom seems to have an obsession about the family's "genes", as though their genepool guarantees them some kind of favor from the gods. We'll see.

On his 16th birthday, the oldest boy was given a brand new Mercedes which he drove briefly until a friend suggested it looked like a "girls" car. He wouldn't drive it after that. The car was then handed down to the second child, a 16 year-old girl who, though much brighter than her brother, certainly has no more moral fiber. She rejected the car and demanded a new one because one of the window controls wasn't working. She figures her mother can prove she loves her by buying the expensive car. She's also negotiated cash payments for other milestones in her life, like making the varsity volleyball team.

The third kid hasn't got a chance.

#4 - A 40ish divorcee who has become very successful in the insurance business, but otherwise is living her life vicariously through her 18 year old daughter. It's clear that Mom's best days ended with the last note of her Senior Prom, and now she's trying to overcompensate for the rest of her life by smothering the daughter. When the daughter finally leaves home, Mom will have nothing to live for and will fall completely apart.

#5 - Another 40ish divorcee who is the only member of the quintet not living in Coto. She used to have the big house and all the toys, but lost it through a nasty divorce. She's now slumming it in a townhome with her kids. On last night's show the oldest child, a 20 year old daughter, suddenly showed up on her porch, bags in hand and dog in tow, to move back home. She had been living alone in L.A. but decided she didn't like paying her own bills or having a job, and now wants to live with Mommy and have her pay the way. Mommy, to her credit, is having none of it and thanks to some tough times of her own, seems to have her act together better than the other ladies on this show. You have to wonder, however, how she ended up with such a useless daughter.

I'm not going to blog any further on this show. You can watch for yourself if you want to watch shallow disfunction at work. Based on what I saw, instead of the gates keeping us out, maybe it's appropriate that they keep them in.