Al Qaeda Number Two's Latest Shocking Video

Scott Ott has the shocking translation of Ayman al-Zawahiri's latest video release from the caves of Pakistan. Trust me, you'll want to watch the whole thing.

Zawahiri Christmas Greeting

And Scott Adams (of Dilbert fame) also weighs in on the latest video:

Al-Jazeera just broadcast the 15th recorded message from al-Qaeda’s #2 guy, al-Zawahri. He appeared in front of the same brown background as before, with his same rifle propped against the wall.

Am I the only one who thinks al-Zawahri has his own cubicle at al-Jazeera?

I imagine al-Zawahri coming to work every day with his turban and robe and plastic rifle, a cup of coffee in one hand, a copy of The Jihad Gazette tucked under his arm. The al-Jazeera station manager sees him and calls out, “Hey Showtime, we have a slow news day. Can you do one of those taped message thingees?”

So al-Zawahri takes his brown sheet and plastic rifle into the break room and tells the employees who are eating their figs to be quiet for a minute while he makes his recording.

I assume he prepares for filming by practicing his “crazy eyes” look and shaking the doughnut crumbs out of his beard. I don’t know what kind of vocal exercises he does to warm up, but my money is on “WA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!”

Then I suppose he thumbs through The Jihad Gazette looking for current events to talk about so his message seems timely. I doubt he nails it on the first take. It probably goes something like this:

“I am Ayman al-Zawahri. I call on my brothers and sisters in Jihad to attack Donald Trump for giving Miss USA a second chance! God is great! God is great!”

The station manager wanders in for a fig and some java and hears the first take. “That’s too short, Z-man. I need two minutes, and this is sweeps month, so remember to blame Israel.”

There’s no way to know for sure if al-Zawahri is working for al-Jazeera, but if his next video includes a hot female co-host, that’s a clue.