A Sad Day For Red-Blooded American Teenage Boys

Teenage boys across America are in mourning:

NEW YORK — There's disappointment in store for sweaty-palmed middle-school boys throughout the country.

The annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue — that midwinter harbinger of summer delights that has thrilled young lads and their dads and granddads for decades — is gone from the local library.

You literally can't check it out anymore, unless you're a subscriber and your mom doesn't confiscate it.

The magazine decided this year to withhold delivery of the issue to all subscribers listed as schools or libraries in their database, according to a Time Warner, Inc. spokesman.

The decision was made after receiving negative feedback from such institutions that tend to draw a "younger audience," according to Time Warner spokesman Rick McCabe.

To top it off, the libraries and schools that subscribe to the weekly sports magazine weren't given any warning whatsoever.

Now they'll just have to resort to looking up porn on the library computers (which the American Library Association refuses to block).