A Report From the Flood Ravaged Iowa Front Lines

Iowahawk is disappointed. Somebody gave a 500 year flood and he didn't get his FEMA gravy train:

As an Iowan and the proud owner of two big screen LCDs from Coralville Rent-A-Center, I've seen my share of weather disasters. But, even with full 1080p HD, I never really stopped to think that it could happen to me. So when the floodwaters of the Iowa River reached my own home this week, I suppose I was unprepared for the devastation -- and the aftershock that my fellow Iowans would sabotage my once-in-a-lifetime golden ticket on the FEMA gravy train.

I was enjoying midmorning cocktails on the patio of my estate a few blocks from the Iowa River when I first heard the flood warnings, and when I turned on the television I saw the shocking pictures of downtown Cedar Rapids inundated by the rising Cedar river. The implication was obvious: Ka-Ching!

As many of you know I am a victim of the subprime mortgage crisis, and have been battling eviction while our do-nothing Congress holds up my bailout money. With video like that -- and with a $2 million flood insurance policy -- you old pal Dave was 24 hours away from the mother of all disaster jackpots.

With the river rising by the minute it was time to spring into action and prepare. I went to the rec room and woke up my colleague Kyle off the pool table. We drove to the Wal-Mart Supercenter to stock up on a two-day supply of Old Mil and spray paint, which I calculated would last us until the start of post-flood "discount shopping season." While we were in the checkout lane, I realized the store was eerily quiet. "Where'd everybody go?" I asked the cashier.

"The radio said to orderly evacuate to higher ground," she said. "I guess they all did."

That seemed a little weird to me, but hey, I figured shorter lines for FEMA cash cards. And less competition for the weekend free laptops at Best Buy.

It just gets better. Read the rest of it here.