Obama Shocked to Discover He Has No Actual Magical Powers

It was easy being a Messiah those first two years. All he had to do was show up, flash those pearly whites, and give a speech.

The voters came and they swooned.

The press came and they fawned.

Old acquaintances with radicals and crazy pastors were forgotten and never brought to mind (or published in mainstream media reports).

The party came and dumped Ms. Hillary Inevitable and took the rookie One from Chicago.

Experience? Bah, who needs that!

Vice President gaffe machine? Love him!

All was right with the world and the people rejoiced when he swept the cranky old guy and the cute chick in the November election.

But then along came January 20th and suddenly it wasn't enough to just get up and promise the voters rainbows and unicorns for the next eight years. He now had to actually govern. He had to get something done.

His opening speech was met with a collective yawn. Millions of people stood in freezing temperatures to hear about the rainbows and unicorns, but instead they got a dry, policy address with none of the pizazz. In fact, some of it could well have been written by the speechwriters for the outgoing president (who would have delivered it much more conviction). Listening to The One make threats against our enemies was like listening to little Sally scolding her dolly for not eating all her imaginary vegetables.

Where could The One's magic powers have gone?

He even had to do the oath of office twice just to get it right (though the Chief Justice who he voted against had something to do with that).

The faked musical number almost seemed symbolic of the entire Obama mystique. It looks and sounds good, but only because he was recorded in advance under controlled conditions. If the mics had been turned on as the musicians pretended to play the world would have heard something entirely different.

His first press events in the White House went swimmingly...bad. Aides flush with new power tried to herd the press around like sheep (yes, I know they really are sheep), and refused to invite the media to witness the second Bible-less swearing-in. Bad feelings were had by all.

The One tried to make amends by conducting an evening walkabout in the press room to bless his subjects only be to confronted by *GASP* - A SUBSTANTIVE QUESTION! A staredown resulted and for a brief moment it looks like the press might be snapping out of their fawning stupor. Time will tell.

The One campaigned as a post-partisan bringer of rainbows and unicorns, but alas, the evil Republicans have not signed on to his magic. They are not mystified by his faux powers. They think his ideas are dumb and will endanger America's economy and safety (well, except for the cranky old guy who is back in the Senate and kissing every Dem butt he can stoop down to). How can The One be the Great Unifier if the GOP won't demonstrate their bipartisanship by agreeing with everything he wants to do?

"I won!" proclaims The One.

"Big f'ing deal" proclaims the GOP.

Then The One made the rookie error of rookie errors - taking on the Maha Rushie by suggesting to GOP congressmen that they stop listening to he who has 20 million listeners each week. Sadly, they stopped long ago or the leadership wouldn't have the word "Minority" in front of their titles. Instead of isolating Rush he has newly empowered him.

Poking the Bear rarely works out well for the poker. The pokee tends to eat the poker. The same will be true now. The One isn't sharp enough to go heads-up with El Rushbo.

Now The One has received his first presidential approval rating - 68%. Just a week ago, while still doing nothing, he polled at 83%. Doing something is killing his numbers. The magic is fading.

Or could it be there never really was any magic? What he mistook for magical powers was really just group think by people who desperately wanted to believe things which simply couldn't be true?

Can you imagine the look on The One's face as he peers into the mirror and realizes there's nothing looking back? That's a pretty lonely feeling with nearly the entire four years to go.