Fathead Tuesday Speech - A Viewer's Guide

Tonight the rookie president will stand before Congress in a joint session and will outline his economic plan among other things. We'll call it the "State of the Unions (Own Me and the Dem Party)".

I'm sure the Democrats will give him a standing ovation every time he pauses for an "uh" and Republicans will give him a polite golf clap every now and then. It will be quite the spectacle. In fact, in the spirit of Mardi Gras I expect Sen. Claire McCaskill to flash him as he speaks. I don't know if Obama will have any beads to throw to the adoring throng.

I've created a little viewer guide for you to use should you choose to watch the speech. Simply print this post out and tape it to your TV right below the picture. It will offer you some important reminders as you listen:

All of my statements come with expiration dates.

I believe you can tax your way to prosperity.

I don't know what I'm doing, but don't I look good!

Gosh, I sure hope the teleprompter doesn't break.

RedState offers a key to help you decipher tonight's speech:

KEY:
“Since the Great Depression” – The economic one, not the feeling you’ve had since he signed the “stimulus” bill.
“Save or create” jobs – Obama’s new metric whereby he can claim credit for the outcome no matter what happens (how exactly does one determine the number of “saved” jobs?)
“Crisis” - Excuse to hike taxes and grow the government per Rahm Emanuel’s theory: “Never let a crisis go to waste.”
“Stimulus” – The 1,000 page Pelosi-Reid-Obama pork bill rushed through in the dead of night with no transparency and that not a single member of Congress who voted for it actually read.
“Hope” – The optimistic expectation, against all evidence that this government will be the first in the history of time to succeed in spending its way out of economic problems.
“Change” – Take-home pay of future generations due to massive spending increases and government expansion.
“Bipartisan” – “Pelosi and Reid get to decide what we’ll do, but I’ll have you over for tea first.”
“Children and grandchildren” – The people picking up the tab.
“Shovel-ready” – Vital projects that somehow are not important enough to receive funding through the regular appropriations process at the local, state, or federal level. “Toxic assets”- Now the responsibility of those who followed the rules and made wise decisions.
“Failed policies of the past” – An overspending problem by George W. Bush to be expanded by Obama
“Investment” – Government spending.
“Sacrifice” – Tax hikes.
“As I’ve said before” – Prepare for a poll tested line from stump speeches.
“Make work pay” – Writing welfare checks through the tax code (and then calling it a tax cut).
“Climate change” – (Formerly known as Global Warming) The natural cycles of the sun and the four seasons.
“FDR” – The last President to attempt and fail to spend the country’s way out of a hole.
“Let me be clear” – Warning to “have your shovel ready.”
“Executive pay” – A serious problem because large cash awards are only appropriate when politicians dole out taxpayer money to the pet projects of their sons, brothers, wives, or campaign contributors.
“Protecting responsible homeowners” – Forcing you to pay your neighbor’s mortgage.
“Trillion-dollar deficit that we’ve inherited” – Bush overspending – which Obama just doubled.
“Essential services” – Government programs that employ unionized bureaucrats.
“Vulnerable Americans” – People that Obama wants to make dependent on the government.
“Tax cuts to 95 percent of working families” – See “Make Work Pay”
“Alternative energy”– Energy that is either too expensive or hasn’t succeeded in the free market on its own (if it worked, it would just be called “energy”)