Why I Won't Be Watching the Debates

You'd think that a guy who is as into politics as I am couldn't wait for the debates to begin so I could sit breathlessly in front of the TV and watch the fireworks. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but I won't be watching. Here's why:

1. I hate those "shouting head" shows on TV, and this is just a calmer version of Crossfire or Hannity & Colmes.
2. I'm one of those hard-headed voters who made up my mind a long time ago, and nothing that happens in the debates is going to steer me away from President Bush. Even if he drools for 90 minutes, I've seen the man in the job, and that's all I need to know that he's far superior to Kerry.
3. The debate rules themselves have been described as "Rules of Disengagement" by Chris Wallace on Fox, and I think he's right. The candidates aren't allowed to directly question one another, which means there will be 90 minutes of moderators asking left-leaning questions, and both candidates giving their carefully scripted answers. It's basically going to be joint press conferences. No significant fireworks.
4. The rules also mandate that the candidates cannot leave their podiums, and no reaction shots will be allowed (in other words, we won't get to see any Gore-like eyerolling or big sighs while one candidate is speaking). That takes all the fun out of it.
5. Both sides will claim victory and both will claim the other was grievously wounded in the exchange. The spin will be flying.
6. If you want to know how the debate went, tune in to Fox News right after the debate ends. They'll have both sides represented on their panel, and you'll get a pretty good feel for the thing.

I'm sure the pundit class will have great fun with these debates, and everyone agrees that it could be make or break for Kerry. My prediction: Bush will be Bush, and Kerry will try to be everyone else. Bush will keep his answers short and to the point and will leave no doubt where he stands. Kerry will wander off every offramp his nuanced mind comes to, and in the end, he will have talked a lot and said nothing.