'Til Death Do Us Part, or Until I Get A Better Offer

When Mrs. HolyCoast and I stood at the altar of Garden Grove Nazarene Church in 1987, we vowed to stay together "'til death do us part", the traditional vow. We long ago decided that divorce was never an option. Murder, maybe, but never divorce.

Both my parents and my in-laws have celebrated 50 years together, so I know it's possible if you work at it. However, many couples today have taken the approach that they don't want to risk violating the "'til death" part and are changing the traditional vows into something that reads like a car warranty.

In some weddings, "'til death do us part" is going the way of "to honor and obey" — that is, out the window.

Vows like "For as long as we continue to love each other," "For as long as our love shall last" and "Until our time together is over" are increasingly replacing the traditional to-the-grave vow — a switch that some call realistic and others call a recipe for failure.

"We're hearing that a lot — 'as long as our love shall last.' I personally think it's quite a statement on today's times — people know the odds of divorce," said New Jersey wedding expert Sharon Naylor, author of "Your Special Wedding Vows," who adds that the rephrasing is also part of a more general trend toward personalizing vows.

Naylor said killing the "death vow" doesn't mean that people don't take their marriage promises seriously. Quite the contrary.
"People understand that anything can happen in life, and you don't make a promise you can't keep. When people get divorced, they mourn the fact that they said ''til death do us part' — you didn't keep your word in church (if they had a church wedding). Some people are in therapy because they promised ‘til death do us part' — it is the sticking point in the healing of a broken marriage. The wording can give you a stigma of personal failure."

This is why Naylor prefers vows like, "For as long as our marriage shall serve the greatest good."

"You will promise to be loyal as long as love shall last — you don't want to promise 'when you treat me like crap.'"

I'm sorry to be so old fashioned, but if you can't see yourself making a lifetime commitment, then you're marrying the wrong person and it's time to get out before you sign the license. Otherwise you're just laying the groundwork for separation and divorce.

No one should go into a marriage with the idea that they'll stick it out only so long as it works for them. If that's your attitude, don't get married...get a dog. They'll love you no matter how stupid you are.