Equal Rights for the Vertically and Horizontally Challenged

In the ongoing effort to identify and reward new victim groups, we have this legislation in Massachusetts to protect the vertically and horizontally challenged:

Ellen Frankel stands just 4-foot-8 inches tall, a size that allowed larger co-workers to playfully scoop her up at the office and make remarks about her height. Some even patted her on the head.

Lawmakers are considering complaints such as hers as they review a bill that would make Massachusetts just the second state to bar discrimination based on height or weight.

''People in authority will very easily make comments about height that they wouldn't make about race or gender,'' said Frankel, a Marblehead author.

Jeanne Toombs understands the frustration. She says overweight people routinely are discriminated against because of their size.

''It's not fair. No matter what you think of fat people, they deserve to be treated like human beings,'' said Toombs, 59, a piano teacher who weighs 300 pounds.

But Republican analyst Todd Domke is concerned that lawmakers will scare off businesses if they expand protection to include short and overweight workers.

''We might as well add colorblind, left-handed, allergic-to-cashews, and get it over with,'' Domke said.

Ted Kennedy, who is now more horizontal than vertical, will be glad to hear this. I'm sure he's tired of the fat, drunk jokes (though I don't think this legislation protects drunks).