An Alternative Inaugural Address

P.J. O'Rourke in The Weekly Standard writes his own version of an inaugural address. After reading this, anything else will be simply boring. Here's how it starts:

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I had intended to reach out to all of you and bring a divided nation together. But I changed my mind. America isn't divided by political ethos or ethnic origin. America isn't divided by region or religion. America is divided by jerks. Who wants to bring a bunch of jerks together with the rest of us? Let them stew in Berkeley, Boston, and Ann Arbor.

It just gets better - you'll want to read the whole thing.